This is by far the worst thing I've ever made in this kitchen. See, I love ginger. So I figured that if I just put a massive glob of the World Spices Minced Ginger into my marinade for my Hawaiian Ono everything would be fine. But it was far from fine. And it was far from my only mistake.

Hawaiian Oh No Ginger Nightmare

The first mistake was buying a fish I'm not really familiar with. We bought an 8 pack of frozen Hawaiian Ono fish filets from Costco (I hope this doesn't doxx the locale I'm in). They seemed like they were at a decent price for how much meat we were getting. This would have been a correct assessment if I knew what the hell I was buying.

Hawaiian Ono, as I have found, is a somewhat delicate fish to work with. It's not super fatty like a flounder, but it seems to be delicate enough that the packaging recommended cooking instructions only after the filet was fully thawed... and our fridge runs pretty cold, so even "fully thawed" in our fridge overnight was probably still colder than what the instructions had been expecting.

We had a few initial trials with the Ono, and we had managed to use an entire bag prior, but with each attempt, our fish came out dry and flaking in a unpleasant, flossy texture. This generally became our proteins for salads since we had to figure out how to use fish we didn't completely properly prepare.

Fast forward through an 8-filet bag, and the general process we came up for preparing the frozen Ono had been to put a frozen filet in our fridge the night prior to cooking. Then, on the night of cooking, we would cook it according to the Oven Preparation instructions, where then our filets would come out undercooked, and we would need to cook them for a little longer, where we would accidentally overcook them every time.

So right away, we're not starting with the best possible process for Ono... which is when I decided to make a marinade :)

I'm fairly certain I was stoned when I did this, but I wanted to marinate the fish in something sweet and soy-saucey. So...

Mistake 1: White Miso

The base of the marinade started with white miso. When I last went to Hmart (we can only go every so often), I panicked when buying miso and bought a massive container of white miso, since I knew it made the ideal miso broth, but that's kind of all it's good for. You can use it suitably well in dressings, and I think white miso is best when you're eating it whole and raw. Put that shit on a cucumber or a carrot or a celery and BAM that shit is the most refreshestest everr

But it's not great for a marinade. In general, it's less salty than your typical miso, and since it's less aged, less umami flavor, waterier... less flavor penetration into your meat.

Mistake 2: Pineapple

So I covered one flavor: fermented soy umami. Now I wanted it to be sweet, and we had pineapple rotting in our fridge, and I came up with the genius idea to put the pineapple chunks in the blender to mix with the other ingredients...

Mistakes 3 and 4: Worsterchire Sauce and Molasses

Um... I wanted more soy and more sweet... so... uhhhh...

Mistake 5: World Spices Minced Ginger

Yeah and then I really fucked it up here man. So first I didn't realize pre-minced ginger often comes with coagulants (that seems like the wrong word... emulsifier? whatever you call carageenan), flavorings, and sugar. So already, not the fresh ginger taste I was anticipating. But even worse, I USED SO FUCKING MUCH MAN I JUST KEPT GLOBBING IT IN THERE CUZ I WAS LIKE "yeah dude I loooove ginger" and LORD I PRAY FOR SOMEONE TO SLAP ME I SHOULD HAVE TASTED IT I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA TASTE LIKE SUSHI GINGER???

The result of mistakes 1-5 ended up making the marinade extremely fiborous and gritty. This might have been a problem even if I cooked the pineapple. And when you combine fiborous and gritty with FISH AND GINGER it tastes like it's Fucking Moldy

Mistake 6: Putting the marinade over the Ono when it was still kinda frozen

idk just mentioning this happened

Mistake 7: Overcooked

Oh but, as a result of mistake 6, the fish didn't cook in the time listed on the package. The center was somehow still frozen. Our fridge needs repair. So I had to keep cooking the fish, checking every two minutes, until it wasn't raw anymore. And then it was overcooked.

Mistake 8: Pepitas

I still thought this dish might have hope. Maybe the ginger and the pineapple didn't cook down long enough to become sweet and caramelized (wrong). I thought that I would somehow end up getting a caramelized pepita garnish by lining the overflowed sauce with raw pumpkin seeds. Um. There was not enough sugar in the marinade for that to happen I don't think. So.

I should mention this mistake took place between checks during mistake 7.

Mistake 0: I Was Actually Sober For This

Actually wait. I was not stoned for this process. I remember taking shots of Costco vodka once my boyfriend came home and I showed him the disappointment.

Mistake 9: Dude I Fucked Up The Rice Too I'm Such a Fat Fucking Chud

Shitty ass fish, crunchy, watery rice, it was truly a sight to behold. The whole house smelled like PUSSY and MOLD and there we were with only Costco vodka and Fireball to comfort us.

My boyfriend ate the nightmare meal, but skipped the rice. I skipped both and made a slop bowl. We watched lost. Yep.

Moral of the story: there is no moral! Fuck me. Fuck you!